Related
There's not enough mouthwash at the supermarket for us to dilute the taste of this rancid political season. Just when you thought the TV ads, the loops on your answering machine, the mailers, the penny-ante news conferences, couldn't get any nastier, Ned Lamont brings in U.S. Sen. John Kerry, the only senator with a worse attendance record than U.S. Sen. Joe Lieberman, to stump for him. The way to top this is to stage one last, bloody, apocalyptic throw down, televised in primetime.

The site is Bridgeport's Arena at Harbor Yard. We'll bring in Joe "I Will be Fully Vindicated" Ganim, direct from the low-security Fort Dix federal prison in New Jersey.

So what if he doesn't get out of the slam until mid-July, 2011? The crooked former Bridgeport mayor is the best host for our Connecticut Pols Cage Match. Don't forget he pioneered the taxpayer-paid TV ad, way back when he had aspirations to become governor.

Beautifully and prophetically, the best commercial for himself featured Ganim swinging wildly at a Bluefish pitch. It took a couple years before we realized it was strike three. We'll put Ganim up there in the city's luxury suite - which he wrote into the Arena's contract with the city - and invite the good, bad and ugly - mostly the latter two - to step into the cage for one final assault on their opponent.

"Leeeeetttttts get ready to slanderrrrrrr!" Ganim will shout through the pumped-up sound system.

For those of you scoring this pairs competition at home,

Advertisement
we're inviting the elusive Gov. Jodi "The Invisible Woman" Rell and challenger New Haven Mayor John "The Destroyer" DeStefano; U.S. Rep. Chris "Fourteen Trips to Iraq" Shays, R-4 and his nemesis, Diane "the Blonde Bomber" Farrell; U.S. Sen. Joe "Stay the Course" Lieberman, millionaire Greenwich heir Ned "I Started My Own Business From Scratch" Lamont, the upstart Democratic nominee and Alan "Shecky Gold" Schlesinger, the GOP's sacrificial lamb.

Also ringside is state Sen. Chris "Plan B" Murphy and entrenched 12-term U.S. Rep. Nancy "Hang 'Em High" Johnson, R-5; and last, but by no mean least in the realm of hyperbolic bombast is U.S. Rep Rob "Phung Hoang" Simmons, R-2, with challenger Joe "Instant Term Limits" Courtney Everybody gets one last parting salvo and the matches will be held in ascending order of their geographic relevance to southwestern Connecticut.

Rob Simmons: "Ladies and gentlemen, not only would my pantywaist peacenik opponent run away from our Iraqi allies like we abandoned Vietnam, but he would promote legislation to put 70-year-olds on arctic ice flows to save on Social Security."

Joe Courtney: "I'm glad Congressman Simmons mentioned the debacle of Vietnam, because when he served with the CIA's Phoenix program, not only did he make it a habit to fly with the helicopter door open - 'Oops, we just lost another suspected Vietcong, sir' - but he actually helped inflate the effectiveness of the operation for his buddy Bill Colby, by covertly adding a decimal point, inflating the toll of those 'neutralized' from 6,000, up to 60,000."

Nancy Johnson: "In the hours before the tragic air attacks of September 11, 2001, Chris Murphy was sitting at a Logan Airport coffee shop discussing strategy with Mohammed Atta."

Chris Murphy: "I have indisputable, photographic proof that Nancy Johnson, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are actually the same person."

Alan Schlesinger: "In my hand is a fistful of Wampum Rewards....Wait...wrong hand. In my hand I'm holding a contract to perform standup comedy at Foxwoods. Joe and Ned, beware, because I'm outa here."

Ned Lamont: "Not only is Joe Lieberman in lockstep with the failed policies of the Bush administration, but he has an elephant tattoo where the sun doesn't shine. Thanks Everybody!"

Joe Lieberman: "Ned, Ned, Ned, again you mischaracterize my record of delivering for the people of Connecticut and my ability to work across party lines to accomplish change. I have a question that everyone who's been unable to escape your TV appearances - and that's everybody - who is the butcher that's been coloring your hair?"

John DeStefano: "This election is about change. When I say Jodi Rell, you say John Rowland! Jodi Rell!" Crowd: "John Rowland!"

DeStefano: " Jodi Rell!"

Crowd: "John Rowland!"

DeStefano: "Jodi Rell!"

Crowdsurfing ensues.

Jodi Rell: "Mayor, I'm looking forward to working with you next year. What was the name of your town again?"

Ken Dixon's Capitol View appears Sundays in the Connecticut Post. You may reach him in the Capitol at (860) 549-4670 or e-mail him at dixon.connpost@snet.net.