Q: I know this is not really a medical question, but I hope that you can help me. My husband and I have been growing apart for a while now. We are both in our late 60s and retired. This should be the best time for us. We are relatively healthy, just few minor issues. Our kids are grown and grandkids are starting college. No one in the family has any major troubles. We have a decent income. So what is the problem? My husband worked very hard all of his life and was home very little. He was a salesman. I had almost 40 years of marriage with him not much around. Now, since the retirement we are ALWAYS together! We argue all the time about stupid things and when we do not argue we are like strangers. There is also no romance and no tenderness. Honestly, I feel like divorcing after 40 years of marriage! Is there hope for us? — Geraldine

A: Ah! Relationships! The last time I wrote about them in this column (remember "Lady Friend"?) I got many very positive comments, but I also got some stern letters to "stick to my medical advice." I believe the physician role sometimes goes beyond just medical issues. Especially as a geriatrician focusing primarily on my patients' functions and overall well-being, it is just impossible to only talk about medical topics. Let me then put on my therapist hat and tell you what I often see and discuss with my patients.

Retirement is a big step for people. Not only do they stop relying on their salary and start dipping into their savings and

Advertisement
pension, it completely changes their lifestyle. For some it is a long-awaited release. People finally can do what they always wanted and dreamed about. Spending more time with the kids and grandchildren, traveling, even going back to school — all of it is possible now. Some people rediscover themselves as artists. Others dive into the world of physical fitness (the oldest marathon runner was in his 90s). Many take on the challenge of getting involved in their community or volunteer work. Life can be extremely fulfilling when we retire.

It can also be a return of couplehood. Stronger bonds and mutual interests can make this the true "time of my life" period for many married peopl, as well as for singles looking for companionship and love again. Why has Geraldine had problems taking advantage of her and her husband being together more? Wellm you have answered this yourselfm Geraldine. Your husband and you lived together and brought up a family, but in the process you sacrificed your relationship. You became almost strangers. The million-dollar question is: can your relationship be resurrected? I believe that it can! What you both need first is to talk about it. Not argue, just talk. It is very important that you both have an interest in this, since one person will have a much harder time to make this a success. There is a reason you have gotten together. The fact that you have stayed married for all this time tells me that you must have gotten along well, even if it was when your husband was away a lot. If you feel like you do not know your husband, sobeit. He may turn out to be a very interesting person.

Here is the exercise I want you both to start with. You will need to make two separate lists. First, write down five most important things you want in your life now. Travel, health, a house addition — whatever would make you happy.

A second list is more complicated. You will BOTH need to write five things you want from your spouse (tenderness? Find a hobby together? More sex? Whatever it is, write it down!) Now comes the tricky part. Whenever you are both in a good mood and willing to do it, look at the first list. Compare your hopes and goals and agree on one or two you can accomplish together. Set the time frame for each goal. Make a list of what you both will need to do. One goal may be a better start if your lists really do not look similar at all. For the second list, the concept is similar. Look at the things you both want from each other. Hopefully there will be at least one thing on the lists you BOTH want. This will be your starting point. If there is nothing you both want, agree on one item from each other's list. Set a deadline for your spouse to make the adjustments and changes needed to accomplish your goals (you both realize you WILL need to negotiate don't you?)

Go back to both lists whenever you both feel ready. Try it, Geraldine. I hope it will help you both.

Dr. Beata Skudlarska is a Bridgeport geriatrician. Send questions to Bridgeport Hospital Center for Geriatrics, 95 Armory Road, Stratford CT 06614 or geriatricmd@aol.com.