Q: I have waited a long time to write to you. My problem is not a simple one and I don't know if you can help me. I am 76 years old and blessed with good health. My wife, however, is very sick. She was been diagnosed with Alzheimer's dementia five years ago. She got worse and worse quickly and finally stopped remembering even my name. She is in the nursing home now and I am pleased with the care she is getting there. I see her almost every day, but for her it makes no difference. She is like a child.

I was feeling really low for quite some time. About a year ago I met this very nice lady at a church gathering. We started talking and I really liked her. She is a little younger than me and she is a widow. To make long story short, we became friends. She knows about my wife (I told her). Well, here is the thing: I am falling in love with my friend and I want us to be more than friends. We both can still enjoy life and I know that she likes me, as well. I am worried that my grown up kids will be mad at me, so I did not tell them about my lady friend yet. I also feel like I am betraying my wife — she is not there, if you know what I mean, but she is still alive! What should I do? — Stan

A: Thank you for sharing your life's story with us. This did take courage. You have been through a lot. I am happy that your wife is under good care. This is very important. It is also important, however, to realize that to have close relationship and love is a natural need for all

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of us, regardless of age.

You have done nothing wrong. You were there for your wife and still keep visiting and checking on her. She can no longer give you the affection, love and human touch you need. I think as long as you both enjoy each other's company you should maintain your relationship. Very often as a physician dealing with memory loss I see the devastation and horror this disease brings to spouses and children of my patients. I am well known to be stern and direct with the wives who take no break caring for confused and sometimes aggressive husbands. I go after overprotective husbands who do not want any help and carry on this unbearable task, getting physically sick and depressed as the time goes by. I demand that they force themselves to look beyond the life centered only on the sick loved one. You can imagine how much resistance I meet. People often feel offended that I dare to acknowledge that they have their own needs, as well. Let me tell you something very important. Taking care of himself/herself is the most important thing a stressed caregiver can do. Sleep-deprived and sad is not the way to live, never mind to be the primary caregiver in this demanding illness. Very frequently stressed caregivers do not realize that their headaches, back pains, stomach and bowel problems, frequent infections and weight loss are all related to caregiver burnout. It also happens that overworked caregivers will alienate their friends and family in the process of delivering care for the demented spouse or parent. Later on, after the inevitable happens, it is sometimes too late to mend broken bonds and resurrect neglected relationships.

That is why I think that you are entitled to some happiness. I do not know how you feel about telling your kids, but if they love you like I suspect they do, they will only be happy that you are enjoying your life again. Have fun, use your health. There is nothing better than to find someone you can share your days with and be a witness to your life. Go for it!