Unmasking true stories of mental illness

When Susan Nathiel was growing up, mental illness wasn't something people talked about.

In fact, she was in her early 50s before her father even broached the topic of her own mother's mental illness. She'd been aware of it, of course, as her mother had been hospitalized several times, but the family had never openly discussed it.

That experience led her to her current profession as a psychotherapist. Nathiel, who wouldn't give her age, has a practice in Hamden, and has a special interest in working with families. She's also a founding member of both the Connecticut Guild of Psychotherapists and the Center for Illness in Families.

Nathiel has been in practice for more than 30 years and, though she's seen some progress in attitudes about mental illness, there's still a huge stigma attached to the condition. There also are few resources — particularly books — specifically about the experience of growing up with a parent with mental illness. "The resources are very, very scarce," Nathiel said. "There are books about other types of stigmatizing experiences, such as alcoholism and sexual abuse, but nothing about this type of topic."

She decided that, if there was going to be a book about the experience of growing up as the child of a mentally ill parent, she would have to write it herself.

The result is "Daughters of Madness: Growing Up and Older With a Mentally Ill Mother," (Praeger Publishers, $49.95), a book that combines Nathiel's professional insights

with the real life stories of women who, like her, had a mother with mental illness.

Though family dynamics involving someone with mental illness is difficult, Nathiel said she chose to focus specifically on mothers and daughters.

This was not just because of her personal experience, but also because of the particular nature of the mother-daughter relationship. "Mothers are so idealized in our culture, and the mother-daughter bond is really seen as one of the strongest bonds there is," Nathiel said.

The bond between mother and son is just as important as that between mother and daughter, Nathiel said, but there is one big difference.

"A girl is really supposed to identify with her mother. A son isn't," she said. "Boys don't grow up with the idea that they're going to grow up to be like their mothers."

Identifying with mom can be difficult if she's struggling with a mental illness, Nathiel said.

For her book, she interviewed 25 women whose mothers' faced a variety of illnesses, from schizophrenia, to depression and personality disorders. Their stories range from that of "Jerri" (all the subjects' names have been changed), whose mother was so paranoid she didn't even like her using the phone, to "Eleanor," whose mother was often seen wandering around the neighborhood in her robe.

Surprisingly, Nathiel said, several of the women she interviewed are therapists like her. She said she originally asked other mental health professionals to help her find sources for her book. When they learned what the topic was, "a lot of them said 'Well, you can interview me,'" Nathiel said.

Aside from therapists, she spoke with ministers, lawyers, and other, non-professional, women. Despite the diversity of the women interviewed and the stories they told, Nathiel said, there were a number of similarities between them. For one thing, most of them were shamed into silence about their mothers' conditions, because of the stigma and prejudices surrounding mental illness.

"I did find people who felt that stigma, who felt that isolation," Nathiel said. "And they didn't talk about [their family] with people."

Today, people are more open and accepting about mental illness, she said, but some prejudices remain. "Mental illness is where alcoholism was 20 years ago, when we didn't know anything about alcoholism in families," Nathiel said.

Another theme she saw was the lingering impact these women's childhoods had on them. Nathiel said many women who are children of mothers with mental illness can grow up, lead healthy, fulfilling lives and still feel an indescribable sense of loss.

One woman she interviewed spoke about discovering, as an adult, that her mother had run off with a neighbor, abandoning the family for two years. The woman, referred to as "Juliana," was young when this happened, and didn't remember her mother's absence. However, once she found out what happened, it made sense.

"It was like someone kicked me," she's quoted as saying. "I have this very intense fear of being abandoned, of being left, even though I'm very self-reliant."

Nathiel said these kinds of feelings are common among daughters of mental illness. She said these women grew up missing something vital from their mothers — her love, her support or even her presence.

"This stuff really has an effect on people in a really core way," she said.

Often, these people experience misunderstanding and frustration, even from those who love them, Nathiel said. They don't understand why an adult would still be suffering from damage inflicted on them in the past.

But one's childhood experiences stay with a person for a long time, she said. "They still struggle with this stuff," she said.

One of her purposes in writing this book is to allow people to understand the deep impact that one's childhood can have on them, even as adults.

"One important thing to me is that we hear people's experiences," Nathiel said. "People have different things they struggle with, and we need to hear about them." For more information on the book, or to learn how to order a copy, visit www.daughtersofmadness.com.