Q: I am in a state of panic. My 72-year-old mom had a terrible fall on the last day of our vacation. She broke a bone near the elbow. It was a struggle to convince her to get medical help. She is fiercely independent and extremely stubborn. I suspect that she is petrified because she realizes that she is less and less agile. She will need more help at home with her chores (she lives alone since my dad died). She is already arguing about it. I have two children- one is going to middle school and the other one to first grade. I honestly cannot imagine how I am going to do it all. I work part-time. My husband travels a lot. Can you suggest any help or a plan to manage this situation? -- Thanks, Anna

A: First, I am truly sorry about your mom. I think she may be feeling somewhat guilty about the fall and the fracture. For aging parents, becoming a burden to their kids is more frightening than death or disease. I am also concerned about you. You represent what we call the "sandwich" generation. You have to be a caregiver for both your kids and your mom. I see quite few a few "sandwich" caregivers in my office, often with their children while they are bringing their parent(s) for a visit. What you need is to sit down and realistically assess the situation.

There is an old Chinese story about the glass balls and the rubber balls. We are constantly balancing both types of balls during our lives. Glass balls represent what is precious: health, love, connection with our kids,

Advertisement
parents and spouse. Rubber balls are everything else: job, promotion, money. These can be replaced. Needless to say, the suggestion is to focus on the glass balls first. The rubber balls can fall down. They will bounce right back to us.

Right now you need to focus on the "glass balls." First, make a list of what you think your mom will need as far as help in her daily life and for how long. Do not try to take over her life. She will fight that, as she has shown. Think of other people who could help. Maybe your husband could help with bills and groceries. They can be taken care of between his travels. Maybe you have a sibling or a friend, or maybe your mom has a reliable friend you know.

If cooking would be hard, think about meals on wheels or ready-to-warm dishes. Call 211 for the numbers of local agencies providing care at home. Compare prices. When presenting the plan of help to your mom, emphasize that the goal for both of you is to make your mom independent again. Do not take no for an answer. Explain that a well-thought-through plan will not only help her, but also make you worry less. If your mom still gives you a hard time call her primary care doctor. Sometimes a doctor's "suggestion" can work miracles.

Sit down and talk with both kids. The older one will definitely understand that for a while you will be much busier and he or she needs to be more independent. The younger one will be proud to be included in the family discussion. They can both take over some of the household chores. You may need to do away with home cooking for a while. This may actually give your family a sense of unity and strengthen the love for each other. Have an honest talk with your husband. He may need to reorganize his job to travel less for a while. It is not easy, but it is possible.

Dr. Beata Skudlarska is a Bridgeport geriatrician. Send questions to Bridgeport Hospital Center for Geriatrics, 95 Armory Road, Stratford CT 06614 or geriatricmd@aol.com.