Not too long ago there was a business book that was well received titled, "All I Really Need To Know I Learned In Kindergarten." The book provided some common sense advice for people to use to guide them through life's various challenges based on the lifelong lessons first introduced to the author as a youngster. Similarly, spend time around children at play, or siblings squabbling and it won't be long before some adult will attempt to mediate a conflict with a request for one or another child to provide an apology for being too aggressive, taking something that did not belong to her, or for hurting another child's feelings. In some instances, the apology must reach a threshold of appropriateness before the adult will even allow it to be accepted by the wronged party. And yet, those lessons in how to properly apologize, or even recognizing when it is appropriate to apologize has been forgotten by many business people.

Made Up Mea Culpas

We have all received emails from some business that purports to apologize for a mix-up in some email campaign, but offers to provide us with a discount on our next order if we buy in the next ten minutes. Often, the email header will read, "Oops, we goofed" or, "Our Mistake Is Your Gain" or some other attention grabbing headline which is just a thinly veiled attempt to get you to click open the email and make a purchase. While it may be effective in some instances, it is also duplicitous and not likely to engender trust or

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truly address when a company has done wrong.

It is also not likely to be seen as a sincere apology for wrong-doing if as one seeks forgiveness, one does not acknowledge a desire to change behavior. Perhaps as galling as any other aspect of the car manufacturers' executives appearing before our elected officials seeking a handout to cover their wrongdoing in ineffectively managing their businesses; was the utter disregard for how inconsistent it was to fly on a company owned corporate jet to attend the sessions. Seeking to have someone accept an apology requires that the person apologizing at least demonstrate a certain amount of awareness of what they have done and how it has damaged or hurt the other party.

Saying Sorry The Right Way

Every business owner, CEO, executive, and employee needs to understand the power of a well delivered apology. Furthermore, there is a right way to apologize that must be followed, or the apology will not be effective.

Understand that a complaining customer is going to feel strongly about the perceived wrongdoing. They may even be emotional and are mentally prepared for a battle. They believe they have been treated unjustly or unfairly and they seek something in return. By having the owner of a business admit to an error, it places the conversation on a much more human level. It is no longer a business that is faceless, but it is now one person acknowledging a mistake to another. Assuming accountability to fix the problem will also add to the credibility of the apology. While a mistake may have happened, there is now a person who is accepting the need to make the correction or assume responsibility for reducing or removing the offense.

For an apology to be done correctly, it should follow the five R's rules:

1. Recognize the mistake. In some instances, all the customer really seeks is for the company to accept that a mistake has been made. By acknowledging that the customer has been treated poorly, has not received the best the company has to provide, or has been wronged in any way, the apology can then proceed. Try to explain how the mistake is not a mistake at all, and battle lines will be drawn and progress will not be made.

2. Responsibility and accountability. Trying to deflect the reason the mistake happened to the "system" or to some other function or person in the company will only lead to further alienating the customer. The customer does business with the company and wants to be treated well by the company and all of its employees. Accept the role that you play in both contributing to the cause of and in resolving the issue. Demonstrate integrity or run the risk of the apology being seen as insincere and not at all heartfelt.

3. Remorse is necessary. The apologizer must demonstrate sincere contrition for the actions that have injured or caused upset for the customer. Being able to communicate that you appreciate how the customer has been impacted by the business' mistake and expressing desire for the event to never have happened. At a minimum, the words, sorry, apologize, or accepting fault must be included in the apology. Anything short of that will be seen as being suspect and falling short of a true apology.

4. Restitution may be required. If the relationship is to be repaired and the customer is to return to make a purchase again, there has to be a genuine attempt to provide some compensation, correction, or recourse. In some instances, a simple recognition may suffice. However, for larger transgressions, there may be more than just words required to restore the relationship with the aggrieved customer. Offering some action in response to the complaint is often needed to overcome the complainant's resistance to continue the relationship.

5. Recourse to prevent repetition. Once a problem has been surfaced, it is essential that there also be a plan put in place to ensure that the customer is not ever again impacted by the problem. Problems that are likely to impact many customers should be addressed and corrective action be taken to prevent any other incidents to occur, but the complaining customer is really only interested in his or her own interests. A successful apology should also include a way to prevent the same or similar occurrences from happening. Providing the direct number of the owner, or offering a different process for ordering, delivery or whatever caused the initial problem are possible ways to ensure that the customer receives the attention they seek to prevent a repeat.

Apology Accepted

While an apology does not completely absolve the business of responsibility, it has been shown to reduce the litigation probability from customers that have been wronged. By accepting that the customer has been wronged and putting a plan in place to rectify it, many a customer will be assuaged and the courts will look less harshly upon the company should the case be brought before a judge.

Conventional wisdom was once to ignore mistakes or at least not acknowledge them or risk being held culpable in a court of law. However, 34 states and the federal government have enacted laws making expressions of sympathy inadmissible and not reflective of liability. Trying to sweep a problem under the rug or stonewall a complaining customer is a low percentage gamble. With the power of the internet behind a motivated customer, the entire reputation of a company can be sullied through a series of posts, blogs, or social media entries.

It is always better to prevent a situation from growing and apologizing correctly has proven to be something that can convert what could be a volatile situation into another opportunity to build a relationship with a customer. Now, say you are sorry like you mean it, shake hands, and go play together!

David Zahn is a serial entrepreneur and consultant to Fortune 100 businesses (www.zahnconsulting.com) as well as entrepreneurial startups (www.startupbuilder.com). His books, "How To Succeed As An Independent Consultant, 4th Ed.," and "The Quintessential Guide To Using Consultants" are frequently cited by other authors and have been used as textbooks in college and MBA classes.

The opinions expressed are the author's and not necessarily those of connpost.com. Please direct comments to cdauber@ctpost.com.