Q: I am really hoping that you can help me. My worry is my mom. She will be 82 this coming February. She has had a good life and good health. We lost my father a year ago (they were together for 55 years) and she has not been the same since The problem is that she is extremely anxious! She worries constantly about everything — her health, money and my marriage. She obsesses about her grandkids. I have not seen her calm and relaxed for the last half a year. She is still living alone and for most part doing fine. Now, preparing for Christmas, she almost ended up in an emergency room with her nerves.

She has always cooked two dishes and made a cake for us all, but this year she called and told me that she couldn't do it. It took both my husband and me a while to calm her down. I am getting some of her anxiety as well. Is she getting senile? How should I try to help her? — Hanna

A: First, let me assure you that both you and your mom can be helped. We are ALL going through a holiday frenzy with the gift buying, crowded stores and the headache of what to buy for whom. Some families have a tradition of a big gathering. Preparing a meal for four people may be a challenge, but how about 12 or 18? It can be truly overwhelming, regardless of your age. At the same time, the holiday season brings back to some of us the reality of loneliness. Losing your spouse, parent, sibling or friend adds to the feeling of emptiness. Your mother lost her partner of

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more than 55 years not that long ago. She is alone now and has to reinvent her own life and reality without your father. She may not be used to being responsible for all of the little details in her daily life. It just may be too much for her to handle it all. The other important fact is that she may be lonely and sometimes bored. Her preoccupation with the lives of your family members may be a reflection of that. Since the death of your father she has become a single person again — for the first time in more than half a century! Many people do not have separate interests and hobbies outside the ones shared with their partners in life. Losing the spouse might have created a real vacuum in her routines. You may also be more aware now of how she has always been. She has more time on her hands and wants to spend it with you and your family. You mentioned being worried about senility. We geriatricians actually hate the word, since it implies that failure in memory and function goes together with aging, which we wholeheartedly oppose and disagree with. Your mom may be having some memory problems and will benefit from formal evaluation, but it is unlikely that she has a true disease of memory loss called dementia. She is way too independent for that. This is what I think you should do:

First, reassure her that even without her dishes the festive dinner will be OK. You can offer to help with cooking, but only if this would be fine with you and your own level of stress.

Second, try to find out what are the things she worries about the most. Sometimes easy solutions like your husband helping with the bills, Meals on Wheels and a visit to a lawyer to plan for the future may result in the miraculous improvement of anxiety symptoms.

Third, suggest and insist on formal evaluation for the anxiety, depression and memory loss. Anxiety is almost never an independent problem in the elderly. It is usually a reflection of the situational change and/or mood problem. A small amount of medication (an antidepressant is probably better than a nerve pill) may make a dramatic difference.

Lastly, talk with your mom about her helping others. The best cure and solution for the loneliness is the sense of making a difference and being useful. Happy holidays to you and to all of my readers. Dr. Beata Skudlarska is a Bridgeport geriatrician. Send questions to Bridgeport Hospital Center for Geriatrics, 95 Armory Road, Stratford CT 06614 or geriatricmd@aol.com.